Why you should be careful with names ending in ‘a’

Kishor Singh, my brother from another mother (Kalli jagatmata) proposed a girl, let’s call her Sumitra.
Now the thing is that when Kishor was in IIT Kanpur (we were wingmates), it was widely believed/purported and indiscriminately spread by yours truly that Kishor Singh was GAY with a capital G. So the conversation below is somewhat obvious:

Kishor: I proposed Sumitra
Me: He is in NTPC?
Kishor: She dude she
Me: She’s a she-dude?
Kishor: She is a girl
Me: No way, you’re gay!
Kishor: Not any more
Me: Dude you sure this Sumitra is Sumitraaaa?
Kishor: I am pretty sure.
Me: Last time you were this sure, you opted for a BTP guide who turned out to be a guy.

And so I will tell you the BTP story. Professor Saumya (changed to escape disciplinary probation) is a faculty in IIT Kanpur’s Civil Department. In his fourth year, Kishor Singh had to opt for a guide for his BTech project. He applied the usual algorithm of opening the department’s webpage; browsing the faculty list; eliminating all faculty members reputed to kick your ass; select from left over.

His eyes fell on the name Dr. Saumya and promptly, after years of fantasizing for a lady teacher he sent the mail:

Dear Madam,

I am Kishor Singh, blah blah bleat bleat ollllaa lala hoo et cetera. it would be really great if I can do it with you.

Reply:

Dear Kishor,
It is nice to know that you are interested. Blah Blah yuck yuck taka tak bloo gloo et cetera. You can do it with me.

Regards,

Saumya

–

A meeting was arranged and Kishor Singh happily went to the office. After all, after yearning through his entire childhood, teenage and few years thereafter, he finally had a lady teacher. So he went to the Office and entered. Now faculty offices are actually their labs too so Kishor Singh found a guy working on a code in a corner. Not able to find the Professor Kishor Singh went to this guy and:

Kishor (tapping him on the shoulder): Yaar madam kaha hai?
Corner Guy (looks up): Kaunsi Madam?
K: Kaunsi madam kya kaunsi madam? Unke office me aap work kar rahe hai…kaunsi Madam!
CG:Mr. this is my office. I work here.
K: Dude even the sweeper of the office says the same thing. Doesn’t make it his office. Please do not waste my time. I do not want to miss my appointment.
CG: Your appointment? You are Kishor?
K: How do you know?
CG: I am Saumya.
K: What! [the color got drained from his face] I am sorry Sir. I thought you were a…
CG/P: Happens all the time. My wife also got confused the first time. My friend got married because he confused a girl named Saumya to be me. Don’t worry.
K:I am truly sorry sir. My behavior…
P: Let’s discuss your project over Tea.
K [cursing his fate after missing yet another oppotunity for a lady teacher] Ah…eh…sure sir.

And this is how he ended up with a dude for a guide.

Sid’s diary: Bhaiya…boohoohoo

Hullo,
Just came back from home after a very refreshing vacation. All I did was eat, drink, sleep, leak, eat, drink, leak, sleep and brrrrrrrrrr…repeat the cycle again. However a few interesting incidents took place.

You know what happens to an average IIT guy when he goes back home. The neighbors and relatives look more excited than the parents and storm the house with their wards and say:

“Ise zara guide kar na.” OR
“Tu bada sayana hai. Ise bhi kuchh bata na” OR
“Badi fikr ho rahi hai mujhe. Din bhar matagashti chalt rahti hai iski. Bilkul serious nahi hai.” OR
“Ye bahut hoshiyaar hai. Maine socha tujhse milva doo to iske doubts clear ho jayenge…poochh le beta bhaiya se“

And then you start the pravachan, half the time looking at the boy/girl in front of you and half the time cursing that if only I hadn’t been into IIT, I would have been sleeping cosily at the moment. But then you are in IIT and you can’t change that now.

Something similar happened this time but there is a slight twist here. We have these neighbors whose daughter is in IIT Mumbai. Now that background will never lead to the scenarios described above. Or so I thought until this happened. So, one fine afternoon when I was dozing off, my mother came in and woke me up:

“Beta utho to. dekho kaun aaya hai.“
“Kya amma. Sone do na. Kaun hai ?“
“Sharma Aunty pados waali. Jaldi uth.“
“Amma unko kah do na ki me soya hua hoon. Please yaar.“
“Beta aise nahi karte. Woh tere liye aayi hai. Unko apni beti ke liye kuchh…“
“Gurrrrrrrr kya yaar…apni beti ki shaadi karni hai kya unko“
“Hmm..dhang se haan, zyaada badh mat. Chupchaap utho aur paanch minute me bahar dikhna. Aur dhang se aana.“

Nazi intimidation techniques. Mothers can be harsh sometimes. Anyway I tidied myself and went out and whoooooooooosh…I see this smoking hot babe sitting on the deewan in white chudhidaar and pink kurti. Now this can’t be Sharma Aunty. The whole Sharma Aunty thing does not fit this lady and so I look ‘yonder’ and am relieved at seeing the most perfect Sharma Aunty I have ever seen in her very Indian saari sitting right beside my mother. So the babe must be the daughter.

“Yeh mera beta Sidhharth. Sid yeh Sharma aunty aur yeh unki beti Naina hai.” My mother introduced us.

“Namaste aunty.” “Namaste beta“

“Hi Naina“

So this girl, I notice, had been looking at me continuously. Please note that this can not be because she is interested in me the way I would have liked it but because I am fat, out-of-proportion and had an awkward bearded face at that time. In any case, she smiles at me and replies faintly.

And then began Sharma Aunty with all her rona-dhona.

“She is confused about extra-curriculars, she is confused about what to do after IIT, she is confused about this, she is confused about that.”

I interrupted in what might have been something like Fidel Castro’s long speeches in Cuba. “Aunty mujhe lagta hai use aap thoda time dijiye. She is already into the system. She will figure it out. Abhi to samay hai.”

“Par beta…“

“Ranjana, Sidhharth sahi kah raha hai Let her see things. Abhi to aayi hi hai. Ek hi saal hua hai.” My mother saved the day.

The discussion continued further. All this while I am looking at her like a moron and she is staring back at me when suddenly Sharma Aunty said:

“Naina, poochh le aur kuchh poochhna ho Sidhharth Bhaiya se to“

Bhaiya? I mean …bhaiya? Kya bakwaas hai yaar. Why Bhaiya? And then Naina said, “Nahi Mummy. Sab poochh hi to liya hai Sidhharth Bhaiya se.” The emphasis on bhaiya was a bit too much.

And then they left. My mother closed the door and came back and said, ” Jao so jao bhaiya ab.”

“Amma! Aap bhi? Bhaiya nahi hoon me kisi ka. Aur ab need kaha aayegi?“
“Hain?“
“Theek hai. Jo karnaa ho karo.“
“Ab kuchh hoga bhi nahi mujhse.“
“Kyo bhaiya…“
‘Yaar amma…bas“
“Kya?“
“Bhaiya mat bolo mujhe…“
“Hain?“
“Theek hai bhai…“
“Gurrrrrrrrrrrrrrr“

Shit man. Never become a bhaiya to a superhot babe. Already IITian junta ko bandiyo ki killat hai.

Snippet

With mother 

 “Fuck, I missed ten again,” said Sidhharth.

“Mind your language Sidhhu,” remarked his mom.

“Sorry Ma, but do you see what I mean?” asked Sidhharth.

 

­

With girlfriend

 

“Fuck,” said Sidhharth.

“Mind your language Sid,” remarked Shefali.

“Sorry Shef, but do you see what I mean?” said Sidhharth

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Previous

You will do PhD one day.

INTRODUCTION

The most unfortunate part of undergraduate life is this: You find all the girls in other programs beautiful while your own program looks completely barren. This snippet relates to this fact.

 

CHARACTERS

Sidhharth, Shefali, Sriram, Mayur and Tarun: Undergraduate Students

MVK: A particularly notorious Professor in the Department of Civil Engineering, known for his flirt ways.

 

Our scene takes place in an Electronics lecture hijacked by MVK. So here goes:

 

“Welcome Khalifa,” said MVK

“Goo..good morning sir,” said Sidhharth.

“I see that your habit of being on time hasn’t changed,” said MVK

“Yes sir, I mean no sir, I mean..”

“I get what you mean sir. Sit down now,” said MVK

 “He is in love with you,” said Mayur.

“Since first semester,” said Sidhharth.

“What’s with Khalifa though?” asked Tarun.

“Oh that’s a long story. Will tell you some other day,” said Sidhharth and continued, “What’s he doing here anyway? This is supposed to be Electronics class.”

MVK overheard Sidhharth.

 “Oh nothing much sir; I was passing by and heard a bit of commotion in this Lecture Hall. The rest as always is fine,” said MVK looking at Sidhharth and then turned towards the PhD student, “The class is yours now. Take care.”

 

And then he left with a smirk on his face. 

 

“Bloody flirt,” remarked Sriram.

“This time though I would say it’s not his fault. She *is* beautiful,” remarked Mayur. 

“Why are all beautiful girls here in PhD?” asked Sidhharth. 

“I dunno man but it is right. Can’t there be beautiful girls in UG programs?” said Sriram, “If only she was in our program. I would have…”

Shefali, who was sitting in the next row, turned back and glared at them.

 

“Good Morning Shef,” said Sriram with a smirk on his face. Shefali gave the ugliest possible looks to the four boys and mumbled something which in a comic book would have been represented with a speech bubble filled with special symbols bad looks and images of skull-and-bones, bombs, knives and other killer assortments.

 “Uh-oh, why she has to listen to everything we talk about?” said Sidhharth and nodded his head in disapproval as she did the same thing and looked forward again.

 

 

After the class: 

“Oh my god, she is too beautiful,” said Sidhharth.

 “Yeah she is,” said Sriram with a misty eyed expression.

Suddenly Shefali came in front of them. “I heard what you were talking about in the class.”

“Oh you heard? That’s news to me,” said Sidhharth.

“I don’t know why you guys talk the same thing always. You look at all the girls in this way.” 

Sidhharth brought his spectacles down with his finger, looked at her from top to bottom; considered her for a second and said: “No, not all of them, only the beautiful ones.” 

He turned back and started walking away. Shefali frowned. 

Sriram said, “Don’t worry Shef, you will do PhD one day.” He winked and walked away with Sidhharth.

–