A Love letter

I met a long time friend after a long time. We talked about the days and shared developments when the discussion invariably turned to the girls. At the time we were together he had an enormous crush on a girl. But it never went beyond yearning for the girl. She knew him but she never felt the way he felt. He attempted and he got friendly replies which were more a formality and were so cold you could use them to counter the Kanpur summers. Then we went our ways and we were in touch on and off. He continued to yearn about her and before this meeting I had heard that he had run into some trouble with her. So when we started discussing girls, I asked him about everything that had transpired. He told me. I am documenting here (with due permission) the last part of our conversation:

Arv: So what’s the status now?
Sha: Well I haven’t been in touch with her for last three years. She went to some company and anyway I was so upset I could never connect to her even in FOSLA (Frustrated One Sided Lovers’ Association – something we founded together) style.
Arv: Hmm
Sha: She did mail me a few days back when i was at home.
Arv: Oh! What did she say?

–

Dear Sha,
I hope you remember me. I am K, we used to go to college together. I am feeling very awkward as I am writing this mail especially because of what had happened the last time we met. I have a feeling that it was not something someone could forget so I would not recount that. Please don’t get me wrong. The purpose of this mail is not to make you go through the entire phase again. It is just that I have been in some situations lately which reminded me of what had happened and how sorry I am for what had transpired. I think destiny has a way of getting back at us. I realize that now. I am mailing to request you to please meet me. I know you are at home right now. I am also in town. I know it will be difficult for you but I urge you to take some time out.

Sincerely,
K

–

Arv: Okay. Then?
Sha: I did not want to meet her at all but our mutual friend (let’s call het Neetika) managed to organize a totally unnecessary and unrequired reunion of sorts.
Arv: Hmm.
Sha: We exchanged pleasantries. Then she told me how sorry she was. I told her it was fine and that I had forgotten everything and I was in no mood to recount and how out of the line this meeting was. I was furious at Neetika for doing this to me. She kept saying sorry and just out of curiosity i asked her why after 5 years was she so intent on repentance.
Arv: And what did she say to that?
Sha: The obvious thing, almost taken out of those Bollywood movies from the 80s/90s. Some guy did something similar to her and that made her realize how wrong she was and stuff.
Arv: Hmm. Jacket!
Sha: Yeah Jacket (JKT: Jaise ko Taisa – we made a lot of such distorted acronyms)
Arv: Then.
Sha: Then, I didn’t know what to say and what she wanted. I asked her bluntly and she said she was sorry – again and that wanted to stay on touch, be a friend et cetera.
Arv: Yeah Yeah. What did you say?
Sha: I said that after what had happened her request was way out of line and I couldn’t do that. But she remained persistent. Plus I think she had the entire thing planned because Neetika didn’t have the manners to leave us alone. With her she had some edge. I don’t know some girl thing. So I just said that I will think about it.
Arv: Then?
Sha: Then what? I had a meeting that day so I left. I called Neetika later and blasted her. She obviously didn’t have any thing to say except how we both were her friends and she was genuinely sorry. I cooled down but you know I thouht Neetika had some sense and that she at least knew what I had gone through last time.
Arv: It was not on. I agree. I mean I know how much you respect or respected her and the way we all are related but this was crap.
Sha: yeah but anyway she just arranged the chance meeting. I was amazed at K more than that. I obviously did not want to meet her again or talk to her so I juts put an end to it.

–

K,

After that meeting which I consider outrageously mean and shameless on Neetika’s part for arranging it and on your part for asking for it in the first place, I spent a few moments thinking about what you said at the end and believe me what follows below is probably the most wasteful waste (repetition intended) of time I have ever had in writing something.

There was a time when I was crazy about you. A time when I would hand out Dominoes Pizza pamphlets just to talk to you, or beat up old friends because they made a bad joke about you, or feed some wiseass to get your mobile number, or ask people to support you at some crappy college activity, or make your lab reports, or send you anonymous presents, or stare at your photographs for hours at a stretch and put them on my desktop, or search for you the moment I logged in on GTalk, or attend classes because I would be able to get a chance to see you, or climb walls in Carnivals to impress you or do something crazy just to get your attention or bring a smile on your face. That time is gone. It is a thing of past. I am not crazy for you anymore. I do not waste my time searching your photos on Orkut or asking my friends about your birth date. My desktop has a To Do list and thinking about you is not on it, not even crossed out. You do not feature in my dreams as the regular attraction or distraction that you used to be five springs ago. I do not open chat windows only to close them again after wondering what to write or after writing and deleting some pleasant message hundred times. I do not think of texting you just to get a response from you or stay connected. In fact I have no intention of connecting with you. And it is not because you caused so much pain to me. It is not because you, so meticulously, destroyed me in front of people I knew, destroyed me in front of my own yearning eyes or killed countless seconds from my life by condemning my eyes to that pillow showcased on my bed, my heart to countless pieces and my head to complete mindlessness. It is not because you behaved like such a bitch and completely forgot that there were several better ways of putting me away instead of coldly shrugging me off and then crushing me. It is just because for all practical purposes you never happened. Because I have better things to do in life and better things to take care of then meatballs that belong to restaurant backyards and not my life.

Do not ask for forgiveness because you are not that great. I do not intend to grace your actions- past or present with an opinion, reply or forgiveness. I have wasted enough time on that. I am not ‘that’ guy any more. You lost me ages ago and I have no intention of being a ‘friend.’ I have enough friends who I am sure, would not go behind my back, unlike your friend Neetika, to shamelessly plant you back in my life. I do not need you. I do not want you. You do not exist. You are not even a ghost from the past. You are an unnecessary entity and I intend to keep it that way. Hence please do not bother me just because some guy made you realize what a bitch you were/are. Although you said you deserved it I think you did not deserve it. you deserve it a hundred time sover. Please destroy someone else’s life. There’s nothing left to destroy here. So do not try to mail me, phone me or meet me. You won’t be able to misuse my friends to ‘arrange’ any more meetings so don’t try. Go back and have a life. I can’t wish you good on that but I am not a SOB to wish you bad.

Sha.

–

Arv: You did something similar to what she did to you.
Sha: No, I just saved her from something worse I could have done.

Ctrl+Z

If only life had an Undo button. I could have taken it to the way it was before I met her. The thing is, you can never truly let go. You obsess, you fantasize, then they make you feel the reality, then you become the heart break kid and then you try forgetting her and then you try and find other things and people in your life to move along with. Then someone comes along and in a moment’s weakness, or may be because you identify with the heart break this guy has had, you tell him your story and then, it all comes back. And at around the same time you watch Ghost Town and what the fuck! The wounds are fresh again and you are in pain and you want again for your life to go back to where it was before you met her. And although I picked this line from Ghost Town but it is perfect to explain my situation. If only life had an Undo button.

About a girl

Dear diary,

I met her today and I feel like a very different person. It’s amazing how mere thought of a girl can change a guy. I know she won’t be around my room but I am cleaning it, just because I want to feel good before meeting her, in my mind and my heart. I throw away the waste from my room, change the bed sheet and sweep the floor with the long forgotten broom retrieved from below the bed. The way a girl can change you, the enormous power that she has on you, sometimes even without her knowing it, is something that has made me respect girls. They are the most amazing creation of nature.

When we meet she asks me about the favorite moment in life and I try to remember the favorite moment. I muster all the memories – to no avail. In her presence my past became a blank slate. It was as if there was no past. Only this moment existed. What else can I answer? It was this moment. So I am with her and the past doesn’t matter, I can’t think of the future and all that is there is the moment itself and the gleam of her face.

But she becomes uneasy, may be a bit bored and I become conscious of that. And I feel guilty. May be I am not that kind of a guy who can make small talk or something that a girl might like, may be because I haven’t done it before or may be because she is around. I don’t know what to talk to her because I would think of something and words will come and then I would look at her and forget them. Probably silence is good. Or I would blurt something out without thinking because I can’t think in her presence. All I can do is look at her and be amazed.

She disarms me, completely. Given a chance, I would like to make her happy, worry about her and care for her. I would like to do all this, forever.

Yours,
Sid

A chocolate to remember – 3

I understand now why the term is ‘crush’. It crushes the hell out of you. Makes you go haywire. Your life becomes one big mayhem and only pandemonium exists. This somewhat fat, bearded boy, who ascended from the girl-poor IIT Kanpur hostel room became someone completely different. Anurag was right. How could I do it? Me? Even I was taken over by disbelief but in any case I had done it. Over the next few days, I became oblivious of the outside world. For me nothing existed except me and those foolish fantasies. I realise it now, human mind is brilliant. Even the mind of jackasses like me ( human jackasses ). It can build up on things in such a way that sometimes one might be confused about what is real and what is surreal. My fantasies grabbed me and I lost track of studies and stuff. No I am not blaming it on anybody except me. I should have followed what I had said to her but I didn’t do it. My blogging tempo was on a high and I posted a review on my visit to IITD where I happened to mention a bit about this incident. I also commented on a post about Rendezvous on phoenix’s blog. She visited my blog and read my post and she turned out to be a friend of the girl I had tried to give the chocolate to. I am not joking or making up stuff. I was surprised myself at this coincidence. She made the lady read my blog and somewhere in my comments back to phoenix I mentioned that her friend owed me a chocolate.

Anyway Phoenix commented back that the girl was visiting IITK for Antaragni which is IITK’s culfest. As if fantasies were not enough, now she was coming to my place. I was mad as mad can be. I became totally different person. I see it now. People turn foolish during such times and do things completely alien to them. In any case there, I changed a lot. For example, my wardrobe, which earlier had just baggy pants and some T’s now had Jeans. The shaving thing, which used to occur once in what a month or so now happened more regularly. There were many other changes. The effect was more or less like the Kuchh to hua hai song from Kal ho na ho. My mother was very happy to see me change ( we had mid term break before Antaragni ) though she didn’t knew the reason then.

Antaragni approached and I failed my own words. The vow to remain unknown was off to no-man’s land. Anurag was in hospitality cell and I made him promise to tell me about the IITD contingent as soon as the details arrived. He never told me though. The fest date came and it began. Working in three cells I had very less time but luckily I had enough time to roam in SAC ( Student Activity Center ) and on the first or probably the second day I saw her. We crossed at the control room which as the name suggests controls most of the activity during Antaragni. I don’t know whether she saw me but I saw her. Then this other time I was entering SAC when she was standing nearby and as I passed ( essentially gutless and I was amazed at this. At IITD things happened by themselves. I believe I know the reason now. I had fantasized so much that I was somehow feeling guilty of turning wrong to my own words. I couldn’t think straight about her or anything for that matter. I had no courage now to go to her and in that way I was fullfilling my words. I know this is rubbish but I thought this way back then ) someone just called her by name.

I turned into my worst nightmare. No, this stuff is nothing serious but at that time I was feeling strange. I walked in to the hospitality desk, found the IITD registration data and got what I required. In doing so I breached the promise I had made, to me and to her. It ofcourse didn’t matter to her ( or atleast I think so ) but I sank down with everything I did next. So what did I do?

Well another chocolate was the most obvious thing. I took a Kit Kat and put it in an envelope. I put her name on it and left it on the control desk. On a small corner of the envelope I left this remark : A chocolate to remember. Yeah it sounds foolish but you act foolishly at such times. I left it at the control desk and notified a very good friend of mine at control desk about what was going on. How much I hate this now! Manipulating things and people for gains like this. Most unlike me because I am least involved with girls ( but no I am not a fairy ). I didn’t know what to expect and after all this I went back to work.

On the last day of Antaragni, when I was busy doing stuff in Convocation Ground where KK’s live show was to be held shortly then, I got a call from a guy who asked for some details about hindi competitions ( I was in that cell also ). He said he wanted to meet me outside SAC so I said that I will be right there. When I was halfway through, I found all this fishy but I went nonetheless. When I reached the SAC gate I saw two guys standing with the ‘your-balls-are-mine’ look on their faces. It hit me then. They looked at me as a butcher looks at the chicken before killing. And my mouth slipped again, ” By any means, you have no plans of beating me up? ” They smiled back. “No, just come.”

And they took me to where the entire ( well most of the ) IITD contingent was. There she was, sitting in the center and as I reached there, they vacated another chair and mad eme sit next to her. I looked everywhere except at her.

“You have given a chocolate to our very chococlaty sweet friend,” said one of the guys. “May I ask why?”

“I don’t know. It just occurred to me so I gave it to her.”

“A chocolate to remember. Hmmm,” said another and I felt as if the whole world was laughing at me. Well they were atleast. “How will she remember it when she would just eat it?”

“The feelings matter not the chocolate itself.” So I am this spiritual teacher or philosopher now.

“Ohhhhhhhh…but why did you give a chocolate to her? Why not me?”

What kind of a question is this? It’s my chocolate and I can do whatever I like to do with it. But anyway I slipped my hand in my bag, grabbed a chocolate and gave it to the person who asked the question. I don’t remember what their reaction was. I was not feeling anyhting at all or may be I was feeling too much. I told them that I had work so I needed to go. They left me and I started to walk away when the guys who had called me place came and apologised for what had just happened. I said it was okay and started again when she came to me and said something which broke my heart ( now this is one common line used zillions of times but I couldn’t think of anything else so my heart simply broke at that point ).

“Arvind, I can’t take this chocolate.”

“Why?”

“Because I already owe you one.”

What could have I said after all this?

“Owe this one as well,” and I left.

To be concluded

A chocolate to remember – 2

There must be restrictions on how much beautiful can a person get. Poor guys like me, they get shocked. I handed her the letter and as if I had forgotten to blink, stood there for a few moments. She looked back at me when I realized that those in the second bench were looking at me as if I were a dog who had just rolled in muck. I went out of the room. My friend followed me soon.

______________________________________________________________________

“What happened? I have never seen you this silent.” said Anurag

“Yeah me too,” I hadn’t got over with what I had just seen.

“She looked okay,” Anurag

“You have got no sense of beauty man. Okay is too less a word. I wonder if there’s a word for such girls. I wonder if there is any other girl…” and I droned on and on.

______________________________________________________________________

In the evening we had something to eat at this eatery called ‘Sip n Bite.’ As we were leaving the eatery, I don’t know why ( the prime reason is ofcourse to eat but still ) I bought three chocolates. I gave one to Anurag and ate one myself.

“What’s the third for?” he asked.

And I don’t know why I said so, it just came out of my mouth. “This is for her.”

My friend just smiled and said, ” You haven’t got the guts man.”

I realised what I had said so I said, ” Yeah. We will eat this later.”

We had nothing much to do so we just strolled and finally settled down at the roadside near Wind T ( a tunnel shaped through way in IIT Delhi’s main building ). And there, just a few feet from me, she sat with a guy with whom she was sorting out some papers which I presumed to be those love letters ( What a waste of pages since all of them would finally be shown the way to trash bin ).

“She is there.” I didn’t need Anurag to tell me this and I certainly didn’t need that painful nudge he gave me in the ribs. ” I know, ” I said.

Seriously, they should put restrictions on how beautiful one can get. I was thinking this when suddenly I had this idea. ” I will give tis chocolate to her.”

“What!! Leave it man. You haven’t got the guts. And what if you did it and ended up beaten balck and blue.”

I was beyond reason now and ratinality had lost all meaning. My friend, for the sake of fun just kept repeating that I didn’t have the guts to do this. But for me it was not the gut thing. I just decided to do it and I have absolutely no reason. No sir, it wasn’t because my friend said I didn’t have the guys and that I wanted to show him that I had ( How the hell do I digest stuff then? ). I had no intentions of flirting around because neither is it my cup of tea nor am I interested in such things. Anyway, she rose and started to walk away towards a deserted looking road. I followed her. The road had a sidewalk and by it lay a beautiful garden with bush boundaries. She was now walking on the sidewalk and I was on the road. I jogged up to her and said, ” Excuse me.”

No answer. Not even a look. Apparently she hadn’t heard. So, “Excuse me.”

“Yes,” I felt my heart melt down. I think this is what happens when you have a crush or something like it. You like everything no matter what others think of it. So here I am standing in front of the most beautiful girl ( my perception ) on the planet who could give Lata Mangeshkar a run for money ( my perception, though I am sure she is in no way capable of running. I mean Lata Mangeshkar ). I have read stories and seen movies in which at this point the boy is completely dumbstruck and doesn’t know what to say or ends up saying crap like, ” I want to have sex with that takla. ” ( Yeah, Jhankar Beats. ) But I said what I think was the best I had to.

“I think you are very beautiful. Please have this chocolate as a token of friendship.”

“What?”

“I think you are very beautiful. Please have this chocolate as a token of friendship.”

“How can I take a chocolate from you? I don’t know you.”

It was obvious. I see it now, how she would have felt then. I mean how many guys go handing out chocolates to a girl on road. But then the words just came pouring out of my mouth. “I don’t want you to know me. See I am not flirting. I have no such intentions. I won’t tell you my name or even from where I am from and I won’t ask your name or address or anything. Probably we would never ever meet again. I just want you to have this chocolate, just as a token of friendship.”

“You are not from IITD? Where are you from?”

“IITK,” It just slipped out of my mouth. Damn, just after what I had said. ” Shit. Okay I am from IITK but no name and anyhting else. Just have this chocolate. See you people do not have any hospitality or anything and a perfect stranger is giving you something as a token of frienship demanding nothing in return. Just take it. “

“Sorry but I can’t have this chocolate. I don’t know you.”

“I don’t want you to know me, ” I repeated. “Look how many guys go handing out chocolates on street. Just have it and I will go.”

She said, ” Look, many people know me here.”

I looked around. We had reached the main road but there were very few people out and they were quite far. I couldn’t make out what she meant. I mean did she mean she knew enough people to have me thrashed or did she knew enough people in front of whom this would become something of a joke if ever it got out? In any case, I went on.

“Sorry if I am creating a scene. Look if you do not take this chocolate, I will eat it.” What the hell.

“Then eat it. ” she said so coolly that I burned.

“But I don’t want to eat it. I want you to eat it. ” And now it looked more like a classroom brawl in preparatory. She repeated that she couldn’t take it. So I said, ” If you won’t take it, I will leave it here on the bushes.” And I put the chocolate there.

“See I can’t take it. Someone else will take it from here. Please take it with you.”

“Sorry but if you are not taking it then I will leave it here.” And I turned back and started running.

I didn’t look back at her. My friend Anurag called, “Oye stop.” He was running.

“Yaar you did it really. I mean YOU did it. This was the last thing I could have dreamed of. You of all people, giving a chococlate to a girl and that too a perfect stranger.” He continued, “She took it you know.”

“She took it. Yes!!!” I was the happiest soul on Earth for that small moment ( which lasted for eternity et cetera et cetera ).

“Naah you got it wrong. She took it and was coming behind you to give it back probably. But you were running. I thought you had done smething and she was going to have you thrashed.”

I went down like a punctured balloon. We strolled away from the place and roamed for god knows how many hours talking about it and stuff like what if she came back the day after and had me beaten ( one day was left ). I didn’t want to think about it.

Anyway the next day came and soon it was time to leave. I had said stuff like “I don’t want you to know me.”, “No names nothing.” and here I was now, craving to see her just once before I left. But not all happens the way you think. I didn’t see her and we left for Kanpur. The following days turned out to be disastrous for me.

To be continued

A chocolate to remember – 1

I know this is going to sound like a bollywood chick flick but it’s not my fault. This refers mostly to what happened in the beginning. The story has not yet ended or atleast I hope so.

______________________________________________________________________
The story began on an October evening when I was visiting a senior at his room. The senior was also the coordinator of the institute’s Hindi Literary Society. We were talking about Rendezvous, IITD’s cultural festival. The conversation went on thus :

“It was really good. We roamed about, participated in competitions and won a few of them. Especially the crosswords you know. They release it three times a day and we won many of them. The prizes were chocolates but then it doesn’t matter much,” said the senior with a lot of smoke coming out of his mouth. He rivalled the fireplace chimney when it came to smoking.

“Sounds good. What else did you do?” I asked.

“Well there was the rock nite but since I have no interest so I didn’t go. Then there was the proshow for which we couldn’t get the entry pass. And the discotheque, since it was couple entry only so I had no chance.”

I wanted to respond to the last line with : “Quite understandable.” I mean an IITian entry a couples only disc is the last thing I could dream of but it happens nonetheless. The dream as well as the entry. Some lucky devils hit it right and the others, like this senior, keep puffing smoke. ANyway I said, ” Seems like I should go this year.”

“Certainly you should. It’s good to go out once in a while. You meet people you know plus there is always a chance to win some competition. Then there are the girls. Delhi girls I tell you…” and he went on describing them in his very own special way which ofcourse I can’t disclose here.

“Aha!” I said to myself, ” I am going.”

I said to him, ” This time please take me.”

“Ofcourse.”

______________________________________________________________________

He kept his word and on a fateful October evening we boarded the train to Delhi. There were five of us and since the story essentially involves only two from that group so I won’t take the troubles introducing others. The two were me and my friend Anurag. We were not the only people from our institute who were going to IITD for participating in Rendezvous. A whole contingent comprisiong about 30 people had left two days before. We were joining the action the late but it didn’t matter much.

We reached Delhi and then IIT Delhi, found the hostel alloted to us, found the rest of the contingent and after daily chores we were up for what was left for us. There weren’t much competitions left so it was mostly garden walk on institute’s money. All we had was a debate competition, a love letter writing competition and crosswords.

We participated in the Debate competition only to end up swearing that whatever may happen, we would never commit the same mistake again. Crosswords went better. Out coordinator won the first of the day and I won the last. I was happy. We had enough candies for mouth and eyes. Just perfect for someone who arrived the scene when not much for left for him. Then we went for the love letter stuff but more of it later. We went to a wordgames competition. Actually my friend Anurag found it disturbing to not to participate in some other competitions and so he dragged me to wordgames. We took the paper. It was then that I realised that all of what they called English at school was complete and utter waste of the very word. We couldn’t make head or tail of what was going on so we did what we always do best : fell asleep in the middle of the competition. There were no chairs to sit on to begin with. We extracted one from somewhere and sat on it and slept. When the competition was about to end I woke up with a start and found that I had been drooling all over, worse than a dog. Finding our goose cooked all over we returned back to our rooms and slept on.

Now for the love letter stuff. It took place before the wordgames. Anurag and I were sitting in this room for the competition. In the beginning only we were in that room when suddenly people flooded the place as if all the world was doing nothing but writing love letters. I mean come on. Was it necessary for everyone to write this letter? Poor people like me had no chance. I have never once gone over to the level of having a crush so love letter was much too academic and elite but then this was the only competition left.

So I decided to stay on and give the damn thing a try. I ended up writing the crappiest thing I had ever written. even the ugliest of the girls would dump me if I gave her the lame excuse for a love letter I had written. It was total crap, completely meant to irritate. It would have survived the laughter challenge though but then this is just my perception. My friend did better. He wrote a real love letter and seeing that he has a proper girlfriend ( so to speak ), it was probably goog. The onlt hting I felt bad about his letter ( he told me what he had written ) was that the letter consisted a fictional setting with real characters; me, him and this girl he knows. All he did in that was to paint me as a bad guy ( which I am ) and ask the girl to leave me ( which she would have done anyeway given that I am me ) and to be with him. So much for a love letter. But at the end of what I would call a complete disaster, I was kind of zapped or you might say thieled out ( do not open dictionary.com ). The reason :

While I was writing the damn letter, in walked this girl with yellow T-Shirt top. She sat on the front bench, her back facing me. Not that this is anything special. I mean this can happen to anybody anywhere. In bus, tram, lectures; to you, the person next to you, the professor you hate, the guy you would kill because your girl stood you up for him. Basically to anyone. But the thing happened when I went to submit my letter. She was coordinating the whole stuff and when I went to submit her the letter, I saw her face. Yours truly was never the same again.

To be continued